Rule number one: Don’t judge. We all have a past. We have all done things we’re not proud of. The fact is that I am a new person now, and what’s behind me is dead and gone.
Rule number two: Take the message to heart.
Rule number three: I challenge you to do the same. Reflect on your life over the years, write it down, pass it on.
My Story
Looking back on my life, I can bring everything back to one of my earliest memories- my parents’ divorce. It’s crazy to see how it’s shaped me and to see the impact it’s really had on me over the years. Part of me still wishes it hadn’t happened, but I am so thankful for what I’ve been through and how Christ has been able to use my past and my brokenness to mold me into who I am today.
When my parents got divorced, my mom received custody of my sister and I. We would spend the majority of the time at her house, then we’d visit my dad every other weekend. In the beginning, my dad would still come over and spend time with us back at our mom’s house, but he constantly left and went away afterwards, going home and leaving my sister and I in a one-parent household. Over the years, my father’s absence left an emptiness inside me; a void in my heart that was left unfulfilled for so long. My dad was still a part of my life, and I am so thankful for that, but he wasn’t an active, 24/7, wake-me-up-from-my-nightmares, ever-present person. Without having that in my life, things were not-so-perfect for me.
Going to church was always a big part of my life. Since the divorce, my sister, dad, and I would always go to church together on Sunday mornings. I was really involved early on, and I attended AWANA and youth group as a child. In middle school, however, I stopped going altogether. At the time, I felt as though I wasn’t going for the right reasons. I was going to respect and please my dad, so that he wouldn’t think that I was a bad person but instead thought I could be considered a ‘perfect’ daughter for going. When I reached middle school, the pressures of my peers started to affect me in many ways. Going to church wasn’t something that cool people did, and I didn’t want - what I perceived to be- the “negative” reputation that came with being a Christian. I didn’t want to experience the judgement that came with it. I didn’t want the persecution. Yes, I still loved Christ, but I didn’t have that agape, self-sacrificing relationship with him, he wasn’t real to me, and He was kind of put on the back burner in my life. Instead, I tried to find my identity and self-worth in others. I became so concerned with how others viewed me. I had to be the best, the most popular, the one with the most friends. If someone didn’t like me, I got so anxious about it and would go way out of my way in order to make sure that they liked me. I couldn’t accept the fact that someone would dislike me for no reason at all. I was so concerned with what others thought of me. I was so afraid of losing friends, of being left alone again.
In high school, I still didn’t attend church. During this time, I felt as though that “bad Christian reputation” just got more pronounced, and I again didn’t want that judgement or persecution from my peers. At the same time, I now lived 30 minutes away from my hometown, and this became the perfect excuse to not go to church- who really wants to leave their house at 7:15am on a Sunday morning just to get to church on time? I meanwhile continued to find love and to find my identity in other people, and in popularity and status. I was one of three people in my freshman class to make the dance team their first year of high school, and I certainly lived that up. I was “popular”, and even though I had many friends, I still didn’t feel as though that was good enough. Everyone else seemed to have their close clique of friends, while my friends were all parts of different groups, so I didn’t feel as though I really belonged with any of them. I never felt that people really liked me, that they saw me as being weird, and that I was ultimately unloveable. The void, the anxious attachment, the emptiness inside of me still ruled my life.
Although I never really had “boyfriends” throughout high school, I way too frequently had really close guy friends, and we constantly texted about everything. I knew I didn’t want a boyfriend, but in my head I was emotionally dating all of these guys whom I called friends. I did things I shouldn’t have done. I longed for that acceptance, that feeling of being needed by someone, of being loved by someone, so I did what it took to get those men to notice me. I let my emotions control the relationship, and when the relationship between me and each of these guys faded off, so did some of my spirit. I hoped the relationships with these young men would fill the emptiness inside me, but they only left me feeling emptier than before.
During my senior year of high school, I started getting back involved with my old church. I still couldn’t get myself to church on Sunday mornings, but I went to youth group on Wednesday nights and I helped out with the middle school youth group on Friday afternoons at the church, where I was a student leader. A part of me was longing for Something and getting so close, yet was still afraid to take that leap of faith and surrender everything to what I knew was true. I was still afraid of what my friends would think. I was, at this time, two different people- I was one person at school with my friends: the social, outgoing, attention-loving teenage girl, and I was another person while attending church events: the humble, good Christian girl who never did anything wrong.
After I graduated from high school, I got caught up in the party scene a bit. It is not something that I am proud of, and I am almost ashamed that I fell into that trap. I was so focused on socializing and having fun with friends that I nearly lost my morals and what I believed to be important. Partying was a fun way to spend time with friends and get to know a diverse crowd, but I always woke up the next morning, normally after sleeping in my car the night before, feeling completely disgusted with myself. My family didn’t know that I drank. I never told them what I would be doing at the places where I was going during those nights, and I occasionally lied to maintain the good Christian image that my family had of me. I thought that if they knew, they’d be ashamed of me and would think differently of me. I was a good girl, and good girls don’t drink. I was still so concerned of what others thought of me. I couldn’t even be honest with my own family.
Going to college, I was still caught up in this party girl trap. I went there knowing almost no one, and knew that the easiest way to meet people was through going to parties. I went out on the weekends with a girl I met, and we had a fun time, but still I’d always feel like complete trash and ashamed of myself the next day. At the same time, I was also pursuing a church. I checked out Campus Crusades for Christ, but it didn’t seem like it was the right fit for me. I also looked into a church nearby on campus, but still it just didn’t seem right. It was also hard going alone, as I didn’t have any Christian friends there. Since I didn’t have anyone to go with, it was even harder for me to commit. I started giving up. I was still living this double lifestyle of the good Christian girl mixed with the social party animal. I knew one of them had to go, and I knew it wasn’t going to be the Christian.
Just when I thought all hope was lost in finding a church and regaining my relationship with Christ, my sister and brother in-law, who also lived in the cities area, invited me to check out this church with them. I immediately knew they were different from other churches. Their slogan was “Want God, not Religion?”, they were really college-based, and they met on Friday nights instead of Sunday mornings. Not only did I have no excuse to not go, but it also seemed so appealing to me that I actually wanted to check it out. The night I checked out the church, I was really impressed. The worship made me feel like I was at a rock concert, and the speaker was so passionate about that which he spoke. He has literally been through it all, through every struggle someone could experience in life, and he has lived to tell his story. God has blessed him in so many ways, and it is apparent to all who will just take the time to listen. I immediately felt like I belonged there. I got involved with the student group, and after that first night, I felt like I had a group of friends, one that really truly cared about me, for the first time in my life. I got to know them better and better throughout the next few weeks, and I was able to stop hanging out in the party scene altogether.
Through this church and through strengthening my relationship with Christ, I have learned about my identity. I spent years searching for my identity and approval in Man, only to leave emptier than when I began. I tried everything in the book, when the Answer was really with me all along, right in front of me, waiting for me to lay my burdens down and give myself to Him. My identity is in Christ, and through Him I am a new creation. I am perfect in His image, even on days I do not feel beautiful or loved or attractive or longed for by others. Out of His great love, I am who I am, made complete by his blood. I have just learned so much. It is hard to put it into words how much I have been able to heal and grow and mature in my faith. It is almost unfathomable, but I have learned to trust in God and He will give me the desires of my heart.
For so long, I relied on young men to show me my self-worth. I knew “Jesus loves me, this I know,” but I did not have a good, solid relationship with him; I did not walk with him, I did not experience him. I have learned, after many years, that no one needs to go looking for their self-worth. They just need to seek Him, for our hope is found in Him and Him alone. Only HE will tell you what you’re worth, and to Him, you’re worth far more than any young man could ever tell you that you are. The amount of love He has for you is unfathomable, and when you feel guilt, or grief, or that you’re unloved, He will be your comfort and the Rock that you can stand on. He is all that you need, and therefore you don’t have to carry around the weight of who you were before you walked with him. He loves you and He forgives you and you are so special to Him.
"My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever." -Psalm 73:26
Thoughts? Questions? Email me at smedwards46@gmail.com
Have a wonderful day.
S
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